On Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

After being in a roller coaster relationship for almost 5 years, only then did I realize that the person I loved the most has a Borderline Personality Disorder.  I felt from the start that there is something wrong in our relationship. That it was not healthy as it is supposed to be. Yet I allowed myself to be its victim up to the point I cannot tolerate any more. My patience was all used up. My emotions were abused. I changed who I really was, thinking things would get better. Despite of it all, I was at the losing end because of my emotional attachment to him.

I loved him. Even with his ugly past. He said a person could change if he wants to. He said he wanted a normal relationship. I believed him.

But how could this change be possible if he has Borderline Personality Disorder? I never understood this mental condition until the day we broke up and I started doing some research of my own. Based on what I have read, some features of BPD include:

When faced with crises, he copes like a toddler. In other words, he does not know how to handle his problems. Instead of finding solutions, he would just wallow in his own pain and sadness.  His sadness is so intense that he resorts to self mutilation or substance abuse just to relieve the pain.

He fears abandonment or rejection and is very sensitive about it. But when you show how much you care, he will be the one to distance himself. So inconsistent.

He only cares about his own feelings of pain. No empathy for the partner. And so it is useless to share your own feelings about the problem. He dwells mostly on his own pain.

When criticized or confronted, he answers with anger. He could say words that you dread to hear. Most of the times you will question yourself if this person was the one who just told you how much he loves you.

He would resort to self pity so that you will feel guilty as well.

Being with him is like always walking on eggshells. His moods can swing back and forth like a pendulum and you’ll never know even what slightest thing could trigger it. Sometimes even if you already made plans, once his mood changes, the whole preparation is suddenly disregarded.

Because of his unpredictable mood swings, you would rather censor your thoughts and emotions. No reactions = no fights

One minute he is an angel. The next minute, you just saw a devil reincarnate. It’s either he loves you at the moment or hates you. There is no gray area.

At first he will cling to you as if he would not want you to leave him. He will make you feel as if his world revolves around you. Expect this at first. But it will never happen again.

He does not hold responsibility of his actions.  He would always blame you for his shortcomings. And if he has committed something terrible, it is still your fault. YOU are the reason why he did it.

He always tests your reaction on something. It’s like having control over your feelings.

He isolates you from your friends. He feels jealous of them because for him your friends are more important than him.

He makes the rules. And he can bend it anytime he wants.

Out of sight, out of mind.  For him, distance makes the heart colder rather than fonder. For him, it’s a form of abandonment.

 What he wants, he will get at whatever cost.

Once he feels or perceives that abandonment is at hand, he will pursue other girls so he won’t be left alone by himself. Thus forming more unstable relationships. It is a cyclic pattern.

Don't get me wrong... He has some good qualities too.. Yet it is sad to admit that I have experienced all of these characteristics when I was in a relationship with a borderline. Now that I understand his condition, I found the answers that were ones kept hidden in my mind. Now I know why he acted that way. Why he said those words.  But one thing is for sure, it is very difficult to love someone with BPD.

If you can’t endure it, better end it. It could be dangerous to your mental health.